Nine Months

If adoption were like pregnancy, I would have brought The Child home this week.

Nine Months.
We've been working on this adoption for Nine Months now.


Our Dossier is sitting in The Child's country waiting for translation and consideration.
We are sitting around here having life and it's been Nine Months and He's not even close to coming home.
My niece is pregnant. She's about 21 weeks into her pregnancy. She just found out she's having a boy. We're trying to convince her to name him Bruce Lee. Or Bruce Wayne. Or not... I like my niece and her husband. lol But She and I get to visit nearly daily and she is in that lovely part of pregnancy I like to refer to as "There is a child inside me and I'd rather not feel so tired or throw up so often Thank you very much" and I can't help but wonder if We'll have our little boy home by the time her little boy makes his entrance.

I am in the stage of the adoption process that I like to refer to as "What am I even doing anymore why has this taken so long why does it all cost so much why can't they just see we're good people and He would be happy and taken care of with us and I just don't get it but give me another hoop and I'll jump through it because THIS IS HAPPENING if I have to swim across the ocean and hike to his orphanage and petition the courts myself with a pitchfork and smile and a Let me have my son, please."

Which translates to me wringing my hands, trying to keep my nervous stomach calm and using ninja breathing techniques to keep from flipping out half the time on well meaning people who ask me "So, when are you going to get that baby boy?" because in my head I am screaming "I DON'T KNOW AND THAT IS KILLING ME!"

Take a deep breath.

Nine Months. We committed to The Child nine months ago. He's had a birthday since then. He's a four year old now.  There is a very real, very sad possibility that he may have another birthday before we can get him home. That possibility makes me wants to yell and scream and kick things. It really does. I'm a pretty calm, relaxed, patient, contained person... I am. But I would be a calm, relaxed, patient, contained, liar if I told you that I am perfectly content with the pace this adoption is moving.

I want to meet this kid so hard it hurts in my soul and even feeling that ache to hold this child in my arms and love him fiercely, I know I'm not really ready.
I know I'm not really prepared.

What parent is though? What parent can say they are absolutely fully prepared to walk into a room with a complete stranger that is their child without the slightest glint of fear in their eyes? What parent is handed that newborn in the hospital and doesn't have a moment of absolute crippling clarity that they are going to screw that kid up somehow? And being pretty sure they might actually do it before they get the kid buckled into the car seat in the parking lot.

By this time next year, I hope I am looking back on this post and laughing. I hope  I am saying

"Oh, you! You had no idea what you were getting yourself in to! You and your family were woefully rosey eyed about everything and Dear Me how you've all learned so much about yourselves, your family, your support  system and, especially, the Child. But, Hey! You did it! You made it there and back, Twice! and You're home with the Child now and He and Magda and Mordecai are all fully functioning children who bicker and love each other and you and your husband are sleepless and haven't been on a date in over a year  (or even slept in bed without one of the kids between you for the past 6 months) but you're a team and the kids are great and sure you don't do laundry every day but you never did that anyway But, past self, What I'm saying here is you are totally not prepared for what's coming up in your life but, baby, you manage it and everyone survives and there are days where you look at your life and it almost kinda feels normal again and if that isn't Winning, well, I don't know what is."

Our lives are going to change. All of our lives are going to change. Especially The Child's life. His will have the biggest change but we're all going to experience a change in our little lives. I am simultaneously giddy with glee and nauseated by fear. I'm on the edge of my seat and I'm terrified and begging, pleading, PLEASE BRING IT ON!