Laying Low.

With the end of the year only days away, We find ourselves just nearly finished collecting our paperwork for the home study. We still have ONE document to obtain. I never EVER thought that our own government would be the one to drag us through such a long wait trying to get things done for this adoption. The Child's country? Yes. We came into this adoption knowing that life moves a touch slower in most of Eastern Europe. They still work with physical paper files over there. The system isn't computerized at all.

And after waiting 12 weeks for a divorce certificate, I'm not sure that being computerized helps.
However, We've been told to go ahead and mail in everything else. So as soon as the holidays pass, our homestudy paperwork will be in the mail. It would have happened the week of Christmas, but our entire household came down with the sickness. Just a cold? the flu? Who knows, but it has knocked me off my feet and the children are pitiful. We went in to the urgent care yesterday. I thank God for our insurance every time we have to see a doctor. Without it, I have no idea how we would afford medical care.

I don't know if you've seen it or not, but there has been an uproar in the adoption community over the last few weeks. Russia has completely shut down their adoption program with the US. There are rumors that the Ukraine will follow. Russia and Ukraine are THE most popular Eastern Europe adoption programs. They each have an overabundance of children who are in need of families and they were both fairly stable. Expensive, yes, but fairly stable. Now, I really don't know how this is going to affect the children living in those countries. One can only hope that other parents from other countries will be able to continue adopting from there and offer those children a different life than an orphanage setting can provide.  I don't know.

I do know that it is very scary.

Adoption programs change without warning. They close without warning.
And it doesn't matter how much money or time you have invested. It doesn't matter if your heart is already invested. It doesn't matter if in your heart of hearts that the child is already yours. Adoption programs change and close without warning.

The Child is not living in Russia or the Ukraine so for the moment we are just sitting back, holding our breath and watching. And while my heart aches for the children who may never grow up in a family because of the choices their government is making.... For the sake of one little boy who is already my son in my heart- We are going to lay low, stay quiet, work on our adoption as quickly as we can, and wait.

We've been told to be very careful not to mention where The Child lives, so if you know, Please do not post it here or on Facebook or anywhere else that is public online. If this blog up and disappears one day, it won't be because I don't want to share our journey anymore. It will be because I value the safety of our child (and bringing him home!) above whatever silly words I could ever type here.

We've also been informed that we may need to stop doing online fundraising. If that happens, it happens.  I am to the point that if they asked us to go into witness relocation for the remainder of the adoption, We would drop everything and do it.

God laid this on us. He lead us to The Child and said "Here."
He never promised this would be easy.
He never promised there would not be very scary stuff going on.
He never said it would happen on my timetable.

I can not pretend to say that I understand what God is doing here or that I can see where he is leading us. All I can say is that we will do everything within our power and ability to see this adoption through and bring home our son. We will work through each step as it comes to us and try not to worry about whats going on that is outside of our control.

This is not the first time nor, I am sure, will it be the last time that I am thankful that The Child can not be aware of what is going on. It is hard enough for me to process and deal with and I'm an adult. I pray he is playing with toys. I pray he is laughing. I pray he is running around giggling and throwing toys and being tickled and hugged. I pray he is having a normal (happy, fun) day for a 4 year old boy in an orphanage. I pray he is sleeping well and getting plenty to eat. I pray he is learning to speak. I pray, I pray, I pray.

And I pray, one day, he is able to do all those things in our family.
Until that day, We are going to lay low.
On our knees, in prayer.

An Apology

I follow adoption blogs.
I do it.
I enjoy reading other people's experiences.
Truthfully, and it is never more evident than when reading multiple adoption blogs, Every family is different. Every parent is different and Every Single Child is different. Every adoption experience is different. They can be a treasure trove of information, the adoption blogs.
So I follow them.

I followed a friend's adoption blog from beginning to end. She started her adoption journey almost 4 years ago. I followed her blog through her home study, dossier, match, and trip to pick up. I've followed her blog (and been blessed enough to be able to spend time with her) through out the last year that she has had her beautiful little girl home.

My friend would post sporadically.  Possibly once every two weeks. Seldom more often than that.  As a reader, as a friend, as a person concerned about her and her family and the process, I couldn't understand why she would go such long spells without making a post. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't feel compelled to share every tiny fragment of the process.

Now, I understand.
The adoption process is an awful lot of waiting.
There are weeks and weeks of absolutely nothing happening.
Sometimes, there is just nothing to share.

I've tried to keep this blog upbeat.
I haven't always hit the mark but I've tried.
And during these weeks upon weeks upon weeks of waiting....
I haven't had much of anything upbeat to say about our adoption process.

So I need to apologize to you. I'm sorry I haven't been posting here.
What I have been feeling and thinking about our current place in the process isn't very kind and probably shouldn't be said at all. Please forgive me?
I promise that I will post as soon as anything happens.

For the time being, Our little family is trying to focus on the holidays.
Magdalena's 4th birthday is this upcoming Monday. We are having a small party for her on the 8th. Nothing big but it will be just big and special enough for her. Just big and special enough to keep me mentally occupied for a while prepping for it.

Then we have Christmas. This year was going to be a rather thin Christmas for the kids. Charlie and I had already decided to forgo any gifts for ourselves. (If anyone is planning to get Charlie or Me any gifts, please consider making a donation towards the adoption instead? That would be a wonderful gift for us.) But that same friend whose adoption blog I followed, She cleaned out her children's toys and gifted so many nice things for us to wrap and have under the tree for Magda and Mordecai. I am so thankful for her kindness.  We already had a small amount of money set aside to shop the thrift stores for toys for the kids but her gifts will certainly fill up the area under the tree.

I am thankful that our children are still young enough to not notice the difference between a brand new toy and a cleaned up used toy, also. It helps me deal with the Mommy Guilt, knowing this.

Then we have Mordecai's 2nd birthday on January 1st. Once again, thankful for thrift store toys. Thankful he's young enough to still probably be more excited by a big box than any brand new gift we might could buy for him.

After these holidays, We are hoping that our paperwork that we have been waiting on will Finally be delivered. I really do not expect to see any forward movement in our adoption until after new years.



I can't make a post without thinking about The Child.
He will be spending his 3rd Christmas in the Orphanage.  I don't even know if they mark Christmas there. It may be just another day. He may have no idea what he is missing. The same as he may have no idea what he is missing without a family in his life.  The same as he may have no idea what he is missing without Jesus in his life.

Here I am, Thankful that my children at home are not so spoiled (or so jaded) that they will be happy to receive used toys and The Child may have never unwrapped a toy. He may have never had anything presented to him that is meant specifically for him.  The Child may never have had a toy that is his. New or used.

It makes me cry, thinking about it.

We believe his birthday is in March. He will be 4. Only months younger than Magda. I can not help but compare the life our daughter has led to the life The Child has led. Magda will have a 4th birthday surrounded by family, Her mom and dad and brother, Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle, and friends... all who love and care about her.  All people who have had an active role in her daily life. She will have cake! and icecream! and gifts! (even if they are used.)
The Child? Will he even know that it is his birthday? Will he have anyone to celebrate his birth? Will he have anyone to love on him? To make him feel cherished? Will he have cake? Will he have gifts? Will he be made to feel like nothing else in the world matters on that specific day because it is HIS birthday and that his birth is the most wonderful and beautiful moment that SOMEONE is so very thankful for?

I can't answer any of those questions.
It hurts.

I know that we will not have him home for his 4th birthday.  By the way things are going, We will be lucky to have him home by next Christmas.


I can't keep thinking about this.
It makes me cry.


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