An Apology

I follow adoption blogs.
I do it.
I enjoy reading other people's experiences.
Truthfully, and it is never more evident than when reading multiple adoption blogs, Every family is different. Every parent is different and Every Single Child is different. Every adoption experience is different. They can be a treasure trove of information, the adoption blogs.
So I follow them.

I followed a friend's adoption blog from beginning to end. She started her adoption journey almost 4 years ago. I followed her blog through her home study, dossier, match, and trip to pick up. I've followed her blog (and been blessed enough to be able to spend time with her) through out the last year that she has had her beautiful little girl home.

My friend would post sporadically.  Possibly once every two weeks. Seldom more often than that.  As a reader, as a friend, as a person concerned about her and her family and the process, I couldn't understand why she would go such long spells without making a post. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't feel compelled to share every tiny fragment of the process.

Now, I understand.
The adoption process is an awful lot of waiting.
There are weeks and weeks of absolutely nothing happening.
Sometimes, there is just nothing to share.

I've tried to keep this blog upbeat.
I haven't always hit the mark but I've tried.
And during these weeks upon weeks upon weeks of waiting....
I haven't had much of anything upbeat to say about our adoption process.

So I need to apologize to you. I'm sorry I haven't been posting here.
What I have been feeling and thinking about our current place in the process isn't very kind and probably shouldn't be said at all. Please forgive me?
I promise that I will post as soon as anything happens.

For the time being, Our little family is trying to focus on the holidays.
Magdalena's 4th birthday is this upcoming Monday. We are having a small party for her on the 8th. Nothing big but it will be just big and special enough for her. Just big and special enough to keep me mentally occupied for a while prepping for it.

Then we have Christmas. This year was going to be a rather thin Christmas for the kids. Charlie and I had already decided to forgo any gifts for ourselves. (If anyone is planning to get Charlie or Me any gifts, please consider making a donation towards the adoption instead? That would be a wonderful gift for us.) But that same friend whose adoption blog I followed, She cleaned out her children's toys and gifted so many nice things for us to wrap and have under the tree for Magda and Mordecai. I am so thankful for her kindness.  We already had a small amount of money set aside to shop the thrift stores for toys for the kids but her gifts will certainly fill up the area under the tree.

I am thankful that our children are still young enough to not notice the difference between a brand new toy and a cleaned up used toy, also. It helps me deal with the Mommy Guilt, knowing this.

Then we have Mordecai's 2nd birthday on January 1st. Once again, thankful for thrift store toys. Thankful he's young enough to still probably be more excited by a big box than any brand new gift we might could buy for him.

After these holidays, We are hoping that our paperwork that we have been waiting on will Finally be delivered. I really do not expect to see any forward movement in our adoption until after new years.



I can't make a post without thinking about The Child.
He will be spending his 3rd Christmas in the Orphanage.  I don't even know if they mark Christmas there. It may be just another day. He may have no idea what he is missing. The same as he may have no idea what he is missing without a family in his life.  The same as he may have no idea what he is missing without Jesus in his life.

Here I am, Thankful that my children at home are not so spoiled (or so jaded) that they will be happy to receive used toys and The Child may have never unwrapped a toy. He may have never had anything presented to him that is meant specifically for him.  The Child may never have had a toy that is his. New or used.

It makes me cry, thinking about it.

We believe his birthday is in March. He will be 4. Only months younger than Magda. I can not help but compare the life our daughter has led to the life The Child has led. Magda will have a 4th birthday surrounded by family, Her mom and dad and brother, Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle, and friends... all who love and care about her.  All people who have had an active role in her daily life. She will have cake! and icecream! and gifts! (even if they are used.)
The Child? Will he even know that it is his birthday? Will he have anyone to celebrate his birth? Will he have anyone to love on him? To make him feel cherished? Will he have cake? Will he have gifts? Will he be made to feel like nothing else in the world matters on that specific day because it is HIS birthday and that his birth is the most wonderful and beautiful moment that SOMEONE is so very thankful for?

I can't answer any of those questions.
It hurts.

I know that we will not have him home for his 4th birthday.  By the way things are going, We will be lucky to have him home by next Christmas.


I can't keep thinking about this.
It makes me cry.


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