Eleven weeks

"Do you feel bonded to him? On a scale of one to ten. One being not at all and ten being like a birth child." The lady at the clinic asks and I'm stuck for a moment because I'm unsure of the correct definition of the word 'bonded'. Then I'm mentally checking little boxes off a list, things we've done, ways we've grown close, and I'm wondering if there are more marked off the list than are left on it. Checking the recesses of my heart, what do I feel toward this child that I've known less than half a year?
I end up saying, Yes, I feel bonded. Possibly at nine, maybe even ten. I end up saying, I definitely feel committed to him. I say, I feel like we have a nice foundation to begin building a real relationship on.

In just this last week, Ivan has began relaxing into our relationship. He has started showing trust in ways he had not before. He's allowing me to rock him to sleep on occasion, which is a huge step in trusting for him, as he is very reliant and controlling of his bed time stimming ritual. With him allowing me to rock him, it also allows for much more snugly, fulfilling, loving time.  He will relax into my arms, resting his head against my chest or on my shoulder. This is an amazing difference from the needy, empty wallering for outside stimulation kind of 'loving' that was all that he offered when we first met him and is still more often prone to do.

He will now offer to the sign "all done" every time I ask him to, unless, of course, he is NOT finished with an activity. (Which is awesome!) He's figuring out that the Signs carry meaning and weight. He's learning to use the sign as a communication tool. I've began to add back in a few more signs. Eat. More. Swing. Change. These are all signs that I puppet him through before we do each activity. He has to tell me the sign before these things happen. He now will offer his hands to me and willingly allow me to puppet him through the sign where before he would fight away.

He has even been given a choice between signing "All Done" and "More" and made the choice himself which sign to use. THIS is the groundwork for communication.  This is him learning that I care about what he wants and I want to teach him how to express it.

I've started using every sign I know when I speak with him. I've also started speaking a little louder. When we had his hearing tested, they said he may actually have some slight hearing loss. My speaking quietly and calmly to him may have been all a wasted effort.

Ivan has started being very aware and very present in the world around him.  Where before he seemed utterly uninterested in whatever may be going on around him, now he has begun to react to his surroundings. He is interested  and exploring and discovering and becoming a part of the world around himself and he is beginning to show proper emotional responses to these experiences.
He laughs when he is swinging.
He watches when his siblings swing along side him and he will track them forward and back behind him even as he is swinging and he will smile.
He startles when the swing moves in an unexpected way.
When Mordecai pulled the wagon over the concrete, Ivan ran to me, crawling up into my lap, looking for safety.

I'll repeat that line.

When Ivan got scared, he ran to me looking for safety.
The moment he did that, I knew he had become completely tuned in to the world that he is living in and that he is aware that Mommy=Safe. We immediately looked up the sign for "safe". (If you're interested, it looks a lot like when the umpire at a baseball game calls the runner 'safe' at the plate.)

Because Ivan doesn't have his own words, I need to give them to him. This means that I might sound really strange because I've started telling him social stories from his point of view when something happens to him.
When Mordecai pulled the wagon and Ivan ran to me, I dove into a social story:
"Mordecai was pulling that wagon. It was loud and I felt scared. I came to Mommy where I feel safe."
Today at church I was able to watch him slide out of a swing before he was ready for it to happen. He fell right to his little bottom then got up and ran to me. I scooped him up saying, "I fell out of my swing. I felt scared and hurt. I came to Mommy where I feel safe."
So if you overhear me talking to Ivan and I don't make sense, well, it might be a situation like this. (Or it might just be me talking, there's really no telling.)

We are building trust. We are building a relationship. We are growing love.
I know I'm not doing everything right. I know.
This is all hard and there are days where I'm not doing any of it at all correctly but we're trying.
I can't wait till we get him therapy.