"Time flies when you're having fun!"
Well, Time flies, no matter what.
It's been months since I've updated here and I feel sad about it. So many things have happened that I don't have documented.
At 12 weeks home, we had an emergency placement join our household, and let me tell you that shook us all up. Ivan didn't know what to think about this little guy who was needier than him! Sharing Momma? OH NO! And Little Guy definitely needed attention. Just as the kids were starting to get settled having him around, it was time for him to move on to his forever family. He was in our home for 8 weeks.
See, having Little Guy come along when he did thew us for a royal loop. We were still in survival mode with Ivan, Magda had just started pre-k (in a miraculous moment of pure luck), and Mordecai was struggling with losing his sister for a large chunk of every day. Little Guy came in with more severe needs than Ivan. More severe behaviour than Ivan. More emotional trauma than Ivan. He demanded time, attention, care, love. All of us learned a very necessary lesson in compassion, patience, and perseverance.
I also was forced to take a step back and reassess my own expectations and stresses with Ivan. Watching Little Guy struggle as hard as he was broke my heart but it also reminded me that Ivan wasn't struggling in that way any longer. We had gotten past the hour long screaming fits. We had gotten past a lot of the really nonsensical behavior and I hadn't even realized it. I was pushing so hard to get him to be "Normal" that I'd forgotten that he WAS being normal. Absolutely normal for what was happening in his life at that moment.
Once Little Guy moved on, we dealt with some real fears that cropped up in Ivan that we didn't not expect. Ivan was aware of what was going on when Little Guy was leaving and he became afraid that we were going to make him leave, too! It broke my heart. I tried explaining to him, but with his comprehension, I never know how much he takes in from what I say. But I know he knew what was happening that day and he was afraid that he would be forced to leave too.
After Little Guy left, Charlie and I had a serious discussion about services for Ivan. We had delayed starting services for one reason or another through the summer and as the beginning of school approached, we had to consider enrolling him. We had him evaluated by the child development department and he qualified to attend the Specialized Education School in our area. It's an amazing opportunity. We decided to enroll him.
I had so many fears that he might be afraid because of the institutional setting. I was afraid he would think I was leaving him at another orphanage. I was afraid he would be scared or angry and I wouldn't be there for him.
He handled it better than I did, to be perfectly honest. If Mordecai hadn't have been with me the morning I drove Ivan to school to start class, I would have cried in the parking lot.
Ivan has been home for 8 months now. He's been in school for a month.
He has started wanting to feed himself with a spoon or fork. He has started preferring to drink from a cup and is getting better at managing a straw. He has just recently starting actually using the potty when I set him on it. (!!!!) He is still using a limited number of signs for expression. He has randomly said actual words, appropriately and in context, just when the whim hits him.
"All done."
"Snack."
He is more aware and present lately. He has started playing with toys. He is more adventurous when playing outside. He can maneuver the playground completely on his own. Swinging. Climbing, Jumping on the trampoline. Running through the grass. Pushing himself down the slide.
He laughs. He makes eye contact now much more frequently and in a more relaxed way. He is just starting to try and interact with his siblings. Mordecai is really blossoming in building a relationship with Ivan and Ivan is beginning to respond to him and play back, in his own way.
I was afraid. I was so afraid during the adoption process. "What are we doing to our family? What are we doing to Magda and Mordecai? Am I ruining everything? What if Ivan hates us? What if we can't handle him? Oh, God, What if he NEVER learns any new skills?"
I was afraid after we met him. "What if he doesn't bond? What if he never learns English?"
I was afraid when we first brought him home. "What if we don't survive this? What have I done? What if he never heals from this huge upheaval? What if our family never finds a new normal? Oh, no! What if this horror is our new normal?
Now, I'm not so afraid.
Now, I think we're finding a new normal that is feeling more comfortable. More relaxed. More happy.
They tell you, in adoption, eventually your family won't be in survival mode. Eventually, you won't be crisis parenting. When you first get home, you don't believe these things.
But it's true. Eventually, things feel good. Eventually, you don't even think about the fact that the child is adopted. Eventually, you don't worry if a behaviour is orphanage related. Eventually, it's just your kid. Eventually, it's just your family.
Eventually, it's okay.
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